That's what I am right now. Scared shitless in fact. I find out in the morning if I have the big "C". I can't even spell the word. I've cried, worried, wrung my heart out...and I am feeling so, so lost. I haven't told anyone...I just can't bring myself to do that to anyone else. I don't want them to worry, or treat me differently. And you KNOW that people do treat you differently, once they know. It's like...well, I guess they won't be around much longer...I'll have to remember to check in with them once in a while to keep their spirits up....blah blah...UGH. I can't even deal with that. I just can't.
My son is just finishing his first year of college. It's been a bear, financially, but I'm splitting it with his father, so it's not a bad as it could be. But his dad is having serious financial woes, and next year's tuition might be all on me. How on earth can I tell my son that his mom might not be around much longer? I couldn't possibly do that to him. Jesus. ANd my parents? Right. It would kill my dad, and my mom...well I just can't tell them. I just can't. I wouldn't be able to get the words out. My sister? My brother? They have enough worries of their own...they sure don't need shit news like this.
And then there is my boyfriend. Damn. All these years, and I finally find the guy I am supposed to be with...and this happens??? WTF??? Whoever coined the phrase "life is not fair" sure hit the nail on the head. It damn sure is not. My focus for the last 20 years has been my son, and I could not be prouder. I swear, I could not have asked for a better kid...I mean, sure, he's had his moments, and so have I. But generally speaking, he's great. Awesome, in fact. He seem to have his priorities straight, and he's getting a good education, and feeling his way though life with a focused stride. I know I haven't been a perfect mom, but I know I did something right with him. And now, I was thinking that the years ahead would be more time for me and my fella, travel, just enjoying life together...and BAM. It's like a hard kick in the head and gut...if I think about it too much I can't even breathe. My boyfriend doesn't need this shit either...he is such a great guy. He needs a healthy gal beside him...not someone that is going to be undergoing all kinds of treatments and crap...just to die anyway, and leave him alone. I don't have a clue of what to say to him. Should I just break up with him? Wouldn't that be easier? I don't know. It hurts to think of life without him. And right now, it just hurts to think.
All these years I've tried to live healthy, live right, watch what I eat, exercise...do the right thing. Fly under the radar...live a nice long life...keep those diseases at bay. HA. So much for that.
